Large Scale Central

Sven and Ole

General Discussion
#1

Sven is passing by Ole’s hay shed one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Ole doing a slow and deliberate striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender of his weathered Oshkosh denium overalls, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and, in a classic striptease move, lets his denium braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips exposing his red & black plaid flannel shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his red union suit (underwear for our younger readers).

And, with a final flourish, he hurls his flat cap on to the straw pile.

“Vat on earth ar ya doin Ole?” asks Sven

“Yumpin Yimminy, Sven! Ya scared da livin bejeevas out of me!” exclaimed an obviously embarrassed Ole; “But, me and the Missus vell, ve ben havin some troubles lately in da bedroom department and da terapist said I got to do something sexy to a tractor.”

#2

Sven needed help in his mill, so he started asking around. His brother told him about a new guy in town, Ole. He said “He’s very smart, he went to Yale!”. So Sven hired him, and on the first day of work Sven asks Ole “So, my brother said you went to Yale?” Ole says “Ya, and I yust got out!”

#3

Two Norwegians are drinking at the Arrow Bar in Weston, WI.

Ole says, ‘Did you know dat lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?’

‘Darn!’ says Sven. “I jus joined da Elks.”

Norwegian Math Test

A Norwegian fella, Ole, wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’

‘Without numbers?’ Ole says, ‘Dat’s easy.’ and proceeds to draw three trees.

‘What’s this?’ the boss asks.

‘Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,’ says Ole.

‘Fair enough,’ says the boss. ‘Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.’

Ole stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ‘Dar ya go.’

The boss scratches his head and says, ‘How on earth do you get that to represent 99?’

‘Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.’

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, ‘All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100.’

Ole stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ‘Dar ya go.’

The boss looks at the attempt. ‘You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!’

Ole leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.’

'So, ven do I start?

#4

OK, you asked for it:
The Swedes and Norwegians both want to get the job of setting telephone poles, so the boss decides whoever sets the most poles in a day gets the job.
At the end of the first day he asks how many they set. The Swede says “20”. “And how many die you set?” he asks the Norwegian “5”. So he thinks maybe they had a hard time the first day and agrees to a second day.
At the end of the second day, same question. The Swede says “16.” How many did you get?, he asks the Norwegian. “Toooo”, he answers. “2! How did the Swedes get 15 and you only got 2?”
“Well sure dey cheated, dey left twenty feet into de air!”

#5

So the road boss hires the Norwegian to paint the center line down the road they are putting in. At the end of the day he asks him how much he got done. “Five miles”. “Oh that’s good”, the boss says.
At the end of the second day he asks how much. and gets the reply “Two miles.” “Hmm, OK.”
Ath the end of the third day, same question. “Half a mile.”
“Wait a minute1 5 miles the first day, then 2 miles, now only a half? Why so bad?”
“Woota ya mean? Yooou know each day dat paint can keeps getting farther away!”

#6

LOL!

#7

One day ole was home alone when the lady next door came over. “Ole she said would you please do me a favor and take of my blouse for me?” Ole’s face got a little red but he obliged her. “Now Olie would you please take off my skirt for me?” Once again Olie obliged her. “Ok Ole take off my panties and bra.” Ole took the last two items off and tossed them aside his face now burning. She looked Ole in the eyes and said “And don’t let me catch you wearing my clothes again!”

Sven and Ole quit their jobs and bought a truck because they had heard that there was a good deal of money to be earned in this occupation. When they went down to the insurance agent to buy insurance, the agent asked Ole "How much experience do you have with driving a truck?"Ole: "Ve dont have any experiense now, but by the end of the summer ve’re gonna have lots of it."Agent: "Well, before our company writes out a policy, we have to be sure in our own mind that you are suited for this kind if work, after all, we stand to lose a lot of money should you have an accident."Ole: " ja, I kan apprishiate that."Agent: "Ole, I’m gonna ask you a hypothetical question. Picture this, You’ve got a full load and you’ve been driving all night. Your coming out of the mountains, your friend Sven is sleeping in the bunk behind you. At the end of a long down grade there is a railroad track crossing the road. As you approach, you notice the train is coming. You step on the brakes, but you don’t have any, you’ve lost them in the mountains. You quickly down shift to slow down only to discover that you got out of fourth, but for the life of you, you can’t get it into third. You’re freewheeling and picking up speed. What would you do?"Ole: After thinking for a few moments says, “I think I vould vake up Sven, he’s never seen a real bad accident.”

Well, Ole’s wife Lena was pregnant. So, he brought her to the doctor. The doctor delivered the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, “Hey, Ole! You yust had a son!” Ole got excited by this, but just then the Doctor spoke up and. said, “Hold on! Ve ain’t finished yet!” The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, “Yumpin’ yimminy! Ole, you got a daughter!” Ole was kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says, “Hold on, ve ain’t finished yet!” The doctor then delivered another boy. He said, “Ole, you just had another boy! But dat’s it!” So, Ole and his wife went home with the three children. When they got home, they began talking. Ole said, “Mama, you remember dat night that ve ran outta da Vaseline and ve had to use dat 3-in-1 Oil.” She said, “Ya”. He said, “By golly, it’s a good ting ve didn’t use no WD-40!”

Well anyway, Lena called me the other day and let me in the latest. Seems Ole came home the other night somewhat intoxicated. Acting a bit “feisty”, Ole said to Lena, “Lena, you remind me of a John Deere tractor!” Lena chose to ignore that remark and went about fixing Ole’s supper for him. A bit later Ole said, “Lena, on second thought, you remind me of a Massey-Ferguson Combine!” Again, Lena ignored him, since Ole was always a bit argumentative after drinking. But the supper mellowed Ole up somewhat, and by bedtime he was in a very good mood. In fact, after turning out the lights, Ole said, “Lena, how about you and me having some fun?” “Ole!,” said Lena, “If you tink I’m going to start up dis 85-tousand dollar combine for yust a half an ear of corn, YOU"RE CRASY!!!”

A few years ago I heard a story about 2 Norwegian brothers Sven and Ole, who were seen to be spending too much time together in their barn with the doors firmly bolted. Suspicions and gossip got up and the local people started wispering to each other that the brothers must be up to no good, maybe taking drugs or doing something illegal. The Police soon got to hear this talk and staked out their barn. Peeping through a gap in the door the cops witnessed that Ole was eating fireworks and that Sven was drinking battery acid! The cops beat the door down and arrested them both on the spot. Next day, the town prosecutor looked into the case and after carefully consulting Norwegian law books he decided to charge Sven but to let Ole off.

So, Ole, Lena and Sven walk into a bar. The bartender looks them over & says “What is this, a joke?”