Large Scale Central

Humor

General Discussion
#1

All of these have made the rounds before, but they all deserve another trip.

To those few who will complain that this is a model railroad site, and humor should not be posted here, go read Bob’s sticky, then go feast on a dill pickle. :lol:

Enjoy!

One Sunday morning, a woman went in to wake her husband and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”

“Why not?” she asked.

I’ll give you two good reasons," he said. “(1), they don’t like me, and (2), I don’t like them.”

His wife replied, “I’ll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You’re 50 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!”

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No.” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“No.” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David…”

The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”

The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran, and this is a casserole.”

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.

“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

“I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. "Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "

“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”

“So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”

The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .”

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.”

~ Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth. ~

#2

Thanks Steve. I laughed all the way through. Sure made a non train running day bright.

#3
Steve Featherkile said:
Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David…”

The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”

The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran, and this is a casserole.”


Steve, only one who grew up Luthern will get that joke…sadly - I do. :lol:

#4

At the local church one Sunday, right in the middle of the service the parishoners were startled and terrified when Satan suddenly appeared in their midst, they all ran and fled except for one elder man who just calmly sat there, Satan strides up to him an growls, “Dont you know who I am?”

“Yep” says the old man calmly.

"Do you realize millions are terrified by the mere thought of my presence, of how I can torment them and crush thier spirit with just one word?

“Sure do”

“And your not afraid of me?” say a perplexed devil

“Sure ain’t”"

a rather behumbled Satan asks “Why?”

“Been married to your sister for 48 years” replies the old man with a grin.

#5

2 Pilots in a bar

A Pilot for China Airways only has a couple hours to kill before is next flight so goes into the airport bar to watch a ball game, he sits down only to realize he’s sat down near another pilot from El Al.

After a about an hour he hears the El Al pilot mutter something about hating Chinese, “what did you say?” he asks.

" I hate Chinese" says the tipsy El Al Pilot

“Why? what the hell have you got against China?” he barks

“They attacked Pearl Harbor…”

“What? You nitwit, the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor”

“Chinese, Japanese, whats the difference?”

So the China Airways pilot shoots back “Well I dont like Jews”

“Whaaat? what have the Jews ever done?”

“They sank the Titanic”

“That was an Iceburg!”

He winks and says “Iceburg, Goldburg, whats the difference…”

#6

I got one too;

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

  3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

#7

Vic,

I have to be honest I didn’t grasp that one - I thought it may have something to do with large meals renowned for in parts of Northern Europe. lol

#8

Got to admit a few I had not heard. Later RJD

#9

casserole: No, that’s red jello he’d bring.

An old Jew told me this one:

An old Jewish guy found himself in a new neighborhood and was looking for a place to pray. He couldn’t find a synagogue, just a Catholic church. “Oy, I guess it’ll have to do.” So he went in and was standing off to one side with his yarmulke, tallit and prayer book praying quietly when some parishioner’s came in.

The old ladies were a bit disturbed to find an old Jew in the church, so they said something to the priest. The priest figured he wasn’t doing any harm and didn’t want to disturb him, but the ladies were adamant.

So the priest began, “Will any unbelievers please leave now?”

The old man continued his prayers.

Now the old ladies were quite perturbed, so after much fussing, the priest gave in and announced, “All Jews must leave now.”

The old man closed his book, took off his cap, folded up his prayer shawl, then marched up to the altar and picked up the baby. “C’mon, Y’shua, we’re not wanted here.”

#10

Rabbi Berkowitz is sitting in his car at a grade crossing waiting for the train to pass when father Flannagan comes up behind him a little too fast and bumps into the rear of the rabbi’s car. There’s a little body damage so the police are called. Officer O’malley arrives at the scene and proceeds to investigate the accident. Finally he comes over to the priest and says “so, tell me father, just how fast would you say the good rabbi was going when he backed into you?”

#11

:lol:

It was the second day of the 1967 was in the Sinai, well before electronics in tanks.

Two tanks collided in a sandstorm, an Israeli and an Egyptian.

The Egyptian tank commander got out of his tank with his hands held high, saying “I surrender, I surrender.”

The Israeli tank commander got out of his tank, holding his neck, saying, “Whiplash, whiplash.”

Lord, please forgive me for that one.

#12

One day, long, long ago…

there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago…
and it was just that one day.
The End

#13

Adam was playing in the garden Eden.
he played with every kind of animals. but after a while his life became boring.
so he asked his maker, if he couldn’t make him a companion of his kind.
the Lord told him, yes he could, but it would be very expensive.
“how expensive?”
“well, you should give up an arm and a leg as price for the company.”

after a looong pause of thought: “Lord, what would you give me for a rib?”

.

#14

Korm, I told that one to my wife… and then the fight started. :lol:

#15

FOOTBALL TRUTHS

(1) What does the average Univ. of Florida player get on his SATs?
…Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?
…A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
…Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get an Ohio State graduate off your porch?
…Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?
…There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
…Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of a Texas Longhorn football player’s life?
…His freshman year.

(8) How many Oklahoma freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
…None. That’s a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
… Durham, North Carolina. He knew that the police would never look at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.

(10) How do you keep an FSU football player out of your front yard?
…Erect a goal post!

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal clash)…

(11) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
…You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

#16

Steve add to that one:

Why do all the football fields in Iowa have Astroturf?

So the Cheerleaders wont graze during halftime.

#17

:lol:

#18

Well, you started something here Steve. lol

The best current thread I reckon.

#19

What are the first words uttered by a Moo U (Mich St U) Business School Graduate on his first job? “Would you like extra fries and a large coke with that Big Mac, Sir?”

#20

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in the Piedmont area of North Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin’ a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, ‘Do you have a license to catch those fish?’ ‘Naw, sir’, replied the redneck. ‘I ain’t got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.’

‘Pet fish?’

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ‘em home.’

‘That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that.’

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ‘It’s the truth Mr. Government Man. I’ll show ya. It really works.’

‘O.K.’, said the warden. ‘I’ve got to see this!’

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, ‘Well?’

‘Well, what?,’ says the redneck.

The warden says, ‘When are you going to call them back?’

‘Call who back?’

‘The FISH,’ replied the warden!

‘What fish?,’ replied the redneck. …

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.