Caboose training (old dumb lessons!)
September 11th, 1990.
'All trainmen are advised that caboose simulator
#1 will be at Symington Yard from July 8 - 31, and all
trainmen and conductors are requried to participate in
at least one 6-hour session in the simulator.
'The caboose simulator has been leased from the
C.P.R. for a 6-month period and has been proven
invaluable in the instruction of proper conduct and
handling of all matters concerning the use of the
caboose.
'BASICS TO BE COVERED IN THE COURSE:
1. Trainmen will be shown the proper method of
getting on and off cabooses while plastered, hung-
over or half-asleep while carrying a large camp cooler
and a briefcase containing no less than 24 western
novels, 2 newspapers and a 3-month-old Playboy
magazine.
2. The caboose has been programmed to simulate
actual track and caboose vibrations, allowing
conductors to practice the drawing of staight lines in
consists and neatly filling out ticket book, delay
reports, 3903 forms and crossword puzzles, etc…
3. At the same time, tail-end brakemen will be
shown the Southern Pacific and Santa Fe method of
holding pornographic magazines, western and science
fiction novels and newspapers to cut down in vibration
resulting in 30% faster reading and less eye strain.
4. All trainmen and conductors will be given a
course in the preparation of a 3-course meal during a
runaway down Tete Jaune. The end result of the meal
will make every engineer choke on his T.V. dinner or
sandwish.
5. There will be a special course for tail-end
brakemen in the various methods of how to make it seem
quite reasonable that the head-end man do all the work
while at the same time convincing the Company that the
third man is absolutely necessary.
6. The simulator is programmed to display all
caboose movements from a slight vibration to a dead
halt at 60 m.p.h., allowing trainmen to practice
various flying, ricochetting and landing
techniques…it is noted that only a few have been
killed in this demonstration, as the simulator is
padded quite well.
NOTE: ALL INJURIES ARE COVERED BY THE W.C.B.
7. It will be noted that in lieu of window in the
cupola and conductor’s stations, special viewing
screens have been installed.
The screen in the cupola will display for the
trainmen the sight of a 30-car train chugging down the
track, totally ablaze, in the hope that, if awake, a
trainmen will recognize the real thing.
The conductor's screen will show 10 miles of ties
being smashed, crossings demolished and switches being
torn out, which should alert him to the possibility of
equipment being dragged.
8. Before going on the second half of the course,
quick discussions and demonstrations will be held on
such varied items as:
----lighting the stove
----proper techniques in waving at small children,
cars, buses, etc.
----how to count high enough to keep track of all cars
in the train, without removal of boots
-----how to infuriate the engineer so that he won’t be
bothering you with dumb questions
9. After a short intermission, there will be a
2-hour course wherein the trainmen will consume enough
booze and other intoxicants to put him into a
semi-conscious state during which time he will then be
taught to fall completedly asleep while sitting up
perfectly straight, which will convince passing
sectionmen, engineers, company officials, etc, that he
is wide-awake and performing his regular duties in the
prescribed manner. Following that will be a brief
discussion on how to fake a bad order radio if you are
asked an embarrassing question such as your location,
train length, name — all of which you don’t know
because you have mastered the previous lesson.
NOTE: TRAINMEN AND CONDUCTORS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO
PARTICIPATE MORE THAN TWICE IN ONE DAY.
THE MANAGEMENT